Get Your “But” Out of the Way
Have you ever been cradled by a sentence, only to be dropped headfirst onto the pavement? It starts with the sweet melody of, “I hear what you’re saying...”
You know the storm that follows. You can feel it in the air before the lightning strikes.
“But”
The percussion of this mono syllabled word acts as a linguistic eraser. It is the "undo" command of human conversation. When we tell someone, “I hear that you’re upset, but…” we are essentially telling them that everything before the comma was merely a polite formality—a hollow shell waiting to be cracked open to reveal our "real" point. Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), often taught that the word “but” tends to diminish or disregard whatever was said before it.
When we say to someone, “I hear that you’re upset, but…”, the listener will often emotionally hear: “Everything before the ‘but’ doesn’t really count.” We might as well not waste our energy to say what comes before the “but”, and just start with what comes after it.
The Internal Defense Attorney
When someone shares their pain or describes how your actions rippled through their world, does a courtroom materialize in your mind? Do you find yourself leaning back, adjusting your robes, and briefing an internal defense attorney?
While they speak, you are not a harbor for their truth; you are a fortress. You are busy sharpening your "buts" into blades, ready to dissect their experience the moment they pause for breath, or worse, you simply interrupt them. This is the tragedy of listening to respond rather than listening to understand. We are emotionally armored, pretending to be present while we secretly map out our counter-attack.
The Loop of Language
It’s just three letters. Why does it carry the weight of a mountain?
As Certified NVC Trainer Miki Kashtan suggests, language is a feedback loop. When we speak, we aren't just sending a signal to another person; we are whispering instructions to our own brain. "But" is the language of binaries, of walls, and of the "either/or." It feeds a separatist mentality that suggests only one of us can be "right" or "seen" at any given moment.
If we wish to restore a culture of collaboration, NVC invites us to choose dialogical words—words that build bridges instead of trapdoors.
The Alchemy of "And"
The remedy offered by Marshall Rosenberg is deceptively simple: replace the "but" with an "and."
Consider the difference in the heart's orientation:
The Wall: “I want to support you, but I also need rest.” (My need is an obstacle to yours.)
The Bridge: “I want to support you, and I also need rest.” (Both truths are breathing in the same room.)
The word "and" allows two realities to coexist without one negating the other. It moves us from the adversarial battlefield into a space of compassionate integration. It acknowledges that the world is wide enough to hold your experience and mine simultaneously.
Is Your "And" Just a Masked “But”?
A word of caution for the nuanced heart: language is not just a set of grammar rules; it is an energetic signature.
If your intention is still to win, to dismiss, or to defend, then "and" becomes nothing more than a disguised "but." People can smell a linguistic trick from a mile away. If our spirit is not aligned with connection, our "and" will feel just as sharp as the "but" we are trying to avoid.
To avoid subtly invalidating the experience of the person standing in front of you, next time you feel a "but" rising in your throat, pause. Open the door. See if there is room for "and," not just in your mouth, but in the posturing of your heart. Replace your “but,” not just linguistically, but also in spirit.
And if you don’t get it right in the moment, thank Krishna there’s always the possibility of doing repair work in relationships!
