Spiritual Bypassing
The undeniable reality of our human existence is that we have needs. Some of these are basic, survival needs such as air, food, water, and shelter. And others are thriving needs, such as connection, love, belonging, mattering, and acceptance. While we would not be able to survive without the former, it is also true that if the latter set of needs are not met for a sustained period of time, it stunts our emotional, psychological, and ultimately, physiological growth. Babies, for example, who receive plenty of bottled milk, but do not receive warm caring hugs actually perish, research unfortunately shows.
We know that fully liberated souls do not have these needs. The Six Goswamis, for example, survived on a palmful of buttermilk every other day. Because of the intensity of their Krishna Consciousness, and because of their pervasive mood of humble service, they were able to conquer even their survival needs, what to speak of their thriving needs. Srila Haridas Thakura was deriving such rasa from the chanting of the Holy Name that he did not even have a need for physical safety!
And then, there’s us - struggling spiritual aspirants! Because we are not chanting purely, I believe it is important for us to be realistic and not idealistic about our mood of service. While we are not envious of the goal - which is to come to a platform of only caring about Krishna’s needs - we can accept that we are not there yet! For us to not put healthy boundaries around ourselves and express (in nonviolent ways, of course) our needs, pushes us into a territory of resentment. Prentis Hemphill says, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” When I take the space within our relationship to express my needs clearly and request (not demand) that they be considered, I can be grounded in my current, authentic reality, while also aspiring to serve you.
I can share my own personal example. Many women have been socialized to idealize the conception of the self-sacrificing mom, who only provides for her family’s needs, while she has absolutely no needs of her own. The scriptures talk about such elevated moms, and our media is full of shame messages that attribute destructive behaviors of children to inattentive mothering. I found though, that I was living with resentment when I was trying to be that self-sacrificing, needs-free mama. I was resentful towards my kids for taking up so much headspace and time in my life. I was resentful towards my husband for taking rest and taking out time to read sastra, rather than helping out in the house.
As I worked to get in touch with my needs, I realized that I have multiple needs that all are screaming to be acknowledged. While I aspire to be in a humble mood of service towards my family, I need to be recognize my need for space, rest, and rejuvenation. That led me to create a schedule that allows me to chant my rounds before my children wake up, so that I have quiet, connection time. That led me to also create space for yoga and time away from them in the evenings. I also recognize that I have a need for professional development. That led me to find ways to work remotely while also homeschooling them. I had to let go of the shame and guilt I carried for taking time away from my children. There was a voice inside my head that told me, “You’re their mom, you should always be taking care of them. You should sacrifice everything to just serve. You should not be developing a career. That’s illusion.”
However, I find myself being a more grounded, happier mother when I do acknowledge the other needs besides rolling chappatis and nurturing my children’s needs. I spend a lot of time studying and sharing NVC, to meet my need for understanding human emotions and behavior, to make sense of my experience as a human being. I even travel out of town to attend trainings and present seminars. Yes, my plate is full now and I don’t spend as much time with them. Yes, I have hired maids to clean our home. Yes, I choose to buy bread, tortillas, and Oreos, instead of making them at home, because I am choosing to spend my time in other ways. But I’m not resentful! This is healthier for our family, given my current capacity. I’d rather not be resentful and be baking bread, and feeding that consciousness to my family! I am a happier member of the congregation who contributes her talents in creative ways, ever since I have been working on having healthy boundaries around my needs!
One of the things we learn in NVC is to consider others’ needs while making requests for our needs to be met. A simple example is - if I need to take a nap and my kids are playing, by placing this as a dilemma in front of us, instead of a conflict between us, I invite for everyone’s needs to matter. So I ask, “I really need some rest right now. My battery is almost dead since I woke up early today. And it’s so wonderful that you both have loads energy to play right now. What solution can we come up with so that all our needs can be met?” So I ask for my needs, but with the humility of being a servant, including care for others’ needs within my request.
