Is there any place for Punishment in NVC?

Written By Ratika Dayaldasani

Question: Lord Krishna states in BG 10.38: "Among all means of suppressing lawlessness I am punishment". Is there any place for punishment in NVC?

Reponse:

The purport to the verse you have quoted states, "When miscreants are punished, the agency of chastisement represents Krsna." Krsna and His representatives are authorized agents of dharma, Who know how to use Their discrimination to use violence in service. 

However, when we bring this principle of danda or punishment down to our level, we often observe that our punitive intentions arise from a desperate attempt to step into our power or to gain control of the situation. When we are overwhelmed, we resort to punishing those who are in a down-power role in comparison to us.

Punishment erodes goodwill and trust. If we punish our children, they may feel scared of us. Fear chips away the desire to contribute out of wanting to care for the needs of the parent. 

By using punishment, we are teaching our children that those in an up-power role can use punitive means to get their needs met. This makes it more likely that when they step into roles with greater access to power, as parents, leaders, or managers, they will punish those who are in down-power roles. Hurt people hurt people. 

Marshall Rosenberg invited parents to ask two questions:

1. What is it that we want our children to do?

If this is the only question we consider, then punishment is a great way to motive children's behavior because it usually gets them to submit. 

But, the second question that Marshall Rosenberg invited parents to ask is:

2. What do we want our children's reasons to be for doing as we ask?

When we ponder over this question, then punishment is never a good way to motivate behavior, because it not linked to an intrinsic motivation to care for the other person's needs, and that's the paradigm we are trying to create in our families with NVC.

In short, there is no place in NVC for punitive actions. From the impacts I myself have borne from being punished, I am relieved that there is another way to nurture young lives!

Ratika Dayaldasani

Ratika is a co-founder of The Atma Center for Empathic Leadership. She is a certified Empathic Communication Trainer and a Nonviolent Communication Certification Candidate. As Head of Human Resources at Hack the Hood, she has over 20 years of experience in nonprofit and organizational development, building and leading people systems grounded in equity, belonging, and authentic connection. She provides coaching and conducts trainings for international audiences. She is currently writing her first book, entitled, “Priti: at the Crossroads of Bhakti and Nonviolent Communication”. All this, while mothering and homeschooling her two sons, who are now teenagers. She holds a Bachelor’s Degree and a Graduate Certificate in Human Resources Management. She also brings a unique integration of mindfulness as a certified yoga teacher (RYT 200).

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