Walking the Bridge from Fairness to Willingness & Capacity

Mahatma Gandhi said, “Don’t mix up that which is habitual with that which is natural.” Expecting reciprocation from others has become habitual, but is not the natural state of the soul. 

NVC is based on the understanding that humans are a "mothering species". This term does not refer to the female gender, but instead of a human's innate tendency to orient to other people's needs in the spirit of unilateral giving. Of all species, the human baby is the most dependent for the longest amount of time. Without unilateral giving on part of the care takers and unilateral receiving on the part of the baby, our species will not survive. The principle of unilaterally giving and receiving is in our DNA. 

 When we are oriented to the needs of the other, giving is natural. Human beings, no matter what age or gender, have this "mothering" instinct. This implies that what to speak of my spouse, even my 13 and 10 year old sons have the inherent capacity to contribute to my needs, if I just orient them to what I need, instead of to a "should", "have to", guilt trip, or obligation. Even if I do not say it out loud, if I carry an expectation energy, it interferes with this natural flow because flow depends on experiencing choice in giving. 

This "gift economy" is our natural currency. However, we are socialized into a "market economy". I keep track of how much I am giving and if your giving falls short of my account, I feel some caustic energy towards you. NVC invites us to walk the bridge from "fairness" to "willingness and capacity". There is no fairness in the world of natural giving! 

Exchange interferes with the natural flow of giving to needs. If someone gives to us out of obligation, that giving is like sweet rice mixed with sand. There is no taste in it because it is transactional, rather than loving. Transactional exchange empties relationships. If we want flow, we need to fundamentally uncouple giving from receiving. We need to strengthen our muscle of unilateral giving, but even more difficult, we need to strengthen our muscle of unilateral receiving. 

For example, I have a need for mutuality in our home. We all eat in the home, we live there, and so I would like for all of us to participate in cleaning and serving in ways that are mutually reciprocal. Previously, I was fearful that if I am "nice", I will end up being everyone's slave. I will end up doing all the work while everyone else just goofs off. However, now I feel empowered with tools to express my needs and hold other's needs with care at the same time. Because I am no longer fearful of my needs not getting met, I can come to the table with tenderness in my heart and be vulnerable with my children. Here's a hypothetical, sample dialogue:

"I really value mutuality (NEED) in our home. I often feel overwhelmed (FEELING) with work, homeschooling, tending to your needs, and the courses I am taking and teaching. I want to experience ease and time to rest (NEED). I am wondering if you can also share your needs, and together, we can come up with a list of services that you will be willing to take responsibility for (REQUEST).

Notice in this dialogue that I did not place expectations of reciprocation on my children. I did not tell them that they need to clean in order to live and eat here. I did not have a predefined strategy of what I want my children to do. I did not place the problem as a conflict between us, but as a dilemma in front of us. We are on the same side of the table and I am seeking partnership and collaboration in solving the dilemma. I am also vulnerable and invoked their inherent need to make my life wonderful by contributing to my needs, which I oriented them towards. My request for my children to share their needs may open up the door to my understanding their need for recreation, play, or relaxation after a day at school. 

The curious paradox is that when we let go of expectations, people might just actually behave in ways we want them! But we cannot cheat the system! The Lord is in our hearts and He knows all that lies within, even if we try to veil it pretty well! When people are free to give to us, without fear of consequences or guilt trips, then out of that freedom, choice, and autonomy, they give joyfully. 

This does mean that we are willing to let voids happen instead of someone overcommitting and then feeling resentful. So, I may choose to live in peace with cleaning my home once every two weeks, because no one is joyfully willing nor has the capacity for a weekly cadence. The choice is ours - do we want to live in resentment, or do we want to live in peace with some unmet needs? 

It has to begin somewhere. It's a choice that we are being invited to! Are we willing to choose to release others from the shackles of our expectations? We can choose to create the world we want to live in, starting from our home. Are we willing to partake in an alternative way of relating, rooted in flow? Are we willing to release our conceptions of fairness and replace them with what is really possible?

This might mean that because I am further along on this journey than most of the people I am in relationship with, within my capacity, I may extend more care for navigating things. Why? Because I have the capacity. If I were committed to fairness, I would say, "Why should I do more than you? I shouldn't." But I choose to. As I gain more and more capacity, I want to bring in more care for the whole, not just for me. 

I invite you to think about how you can break your deeply ingrained scripts of fairness and expectations in small interactions throughout the day. What can you do differently to start to spin threads of connection, instead of disconnection with our loved ones?