Care vs Care Taking
When we carry the feelings of others, we may end up seeing them as burdens. By taking responsibility for others' feelings, we might be acting from the false ego of thinking that we control our environment - positively or negatively. We blame ourselves for others' disappointment and take credit for when they are content. When I carry your feelings, I am not clear about where I end and you begin, emotionally.
Here's a hypothetical and humorous example.
Let's say that my husband tells me, "You did not make laccha paranthas, shahi paneer, and hot jamuns with cold rabri today, and that makes me very upset." If I take responsibility for his feelings, then I blame myself for being a terrible wife who does not serve her husband to his satisfaction :-) I worry about the security of our relationship. In this emotional slavery stage, I think that I am responsible for others' feelings and strive to keep everyone happy. My self-worth is hinging on how satisfied people are with me, and I hustle to be loved by always pleasing others, even at the cost of not being in touch with my needs. I will feel compelled to remedy the situation by making laccha paranthas, shahi paneer, and hot jamuns with cold rabri for his next meal, albeit with a lot of resentment! People around me become a burden on me, since I am carrying what is not mine to carry.
However, with some NVC help in the area of emotional liberation, I realize that everyone (except children) is responsible for meeting their own needs. I might choose to respond to people's needs with compassion, but not out of fear, guilt, shame, insecurity, or hustling to be liked by them. My self-worth or my relationship with you is not on the table. I am not negotiating to be in your good books. But, out of a loving desire to contribute to your well-being, I may make certain choices to meet your needs.
So what's the NVC path to navigate the journey from emotional slavery to emotional liberation? NVC gives us three options for connection:
1. Self-Connection (which includes self-empathy and humanizing the other)
2. Empathy
3. Self-Expression
Here's how I would dance between these three options:
1. Self-Connection: I will first connect with myself. Self-empathy includes getting in touch with my observations, feelings, and needs. My internal dialogue is one of compassion, "When I hear Jeet say that he's upset because I did not make certain foods today, I feel disheartened because I have a need for appreciation and understanding. I wish to be understood for the intensity of services I juggle. I long for harmony in our relationship."
The other aspect of self-connection is getting in touch with the humanity in my husband. I make guesses. Perhaps he has a desire for comfort. I attribute his feeling "upset" to his need for comfort and nourishment. He is probably longing for some fun in his life after a long day at work. He wants to know that his preferences matter, and thus that he matters to me.
Once I have self-connected, I can choose to move to either empathy or self-expression.
2. Empathy: If I choose empathy first, I can ask Jeet, "Sounds like you are upset because you were hoping for some fun and comfort during dinner tonight? You really want to know that your preferences matter?" Notice how in this dialogue, I am not carrying his upset feelings, but connecting his feelings to his needs. He can correct any incorrect guesses I might have made in empathizing with his feelings and needs. Even if I am wrong in guessing his feelings and needs, he can tell that I am interested and present with his pain, and that's enough for him to know that I care.
Depending on whether I perceive that he has received enough empathy, then I can access if he might be ready to hear what's alive in me, by going next to self-expression.
3. Self-Expression: "You know, dear husband, when I heard you express that you are upset, I felt pain because I long for understanding of the services I do render to our family."
Not taking responsibility for other's feelings does not mean we are callous to them. We care deeply, out of love. We do not get flustered and discombobulated in our response. We want to enrich others' lives out of compassion for another human being in pain, part and parcel of our beloved Lord. We are very grounded since we are not carrying that which is not ours to carry.
Children are helpless and dependent upon parents to meet their needs. But adults are responsible for meeting their own needs, and thus owning their feelings if the needs are met or unmet.
The two of us together might choose to come up with strategies to meet his needs/preferences. He might cook for himself! He might order from Govinda's. I might choose to cook for him, or he might request a neighbor to do so. He might realize that his deeper need for comfort, nourishment, mattering can be met with multiple other strategies too! Distinguishing between needs and strategies opens abundance and creativity!
